Sexual Harassment: Speak up!

I believe that one of the most common forms of sexual harassment, the type that peppers the lives of women, all over the world, is the brief physical or verbal harassment in public places.

Whether loading bags into a NY taxi-cab, dancing at a club in Spain, or being herded through holy places, men have acted as though they had the right to touch me.

When men sexually harass women, they reduce the status of women to sexual objects and use women's bodies selfishly without any reference to how they feel.  Men should not only allow women to define themselves but also respect those definitions as well as allow women to interact physically with the world in whatever way women choose.

A large number of the male population often believes that women "provoke" them in various ways.  Unfortunately they are reluctant to see that men themselves sexually characterize women's bodies. This male perception often controls women with the threat of harassment, and pre-emptively blames the woman if harassment occurs.  In my opinion it is an absurd excuse -- the glass does not ask to be broken, and it does not break itself.

I find freedom in defining myself, and understanding who I am and how I want to interact with others, both physically and emotionally.  This is a form of physical independence and power over my own identity. It allows me to view the world through a different perspective although it is easy for me to say that women should be empowered to define themselves.  I find it hard to give advice beyond that, because I often feel like I respond inappropriately to sexual harassment.

Recently, while waiting outside a restaurant I witnessed a restaurant staff person, an older man, rub a young girl against his crotch as she struggled to free herself from his grasp.  As I watched, my body became rigid with shock, and I was shaking.  For nearly a minute after watching it happen, my mind was uncomprehending, and I wasn't actually sure if I was interpreting the situation correctly.  By the time my brain confirmed that "yes, your instincts are right, you are witnessing this man sexually molesting this girl", it was over and the little girl had left with her mother.  I quickly walked in the direction of where they had gone and found them about to leave on their scooter.  I told the mother, about what I  witnessed and suggested to keep her daughter away from him. The mother was upset, but thanked me and said she would avoid the man.  I didn't confront the man himself (there would have been a language barrier), but in retrospect, I should have told the restaurant manager.  I know the staff person is somewhere in Kathmandu, doing that to other girls, and maybe worse.  What should  have I done?  What would you have done?

I don't think the little girl that I saw in Kathmandu knew what was happening to her - after all young girls are especially fragile because they do not have an adult concept of sex, and their concept of themselves and how they can act is yet to be formed.  They are still learning about the definitions of how society responds to them.  As an adult, you can understand how men respond (even if you don't like it), but young women and girls do not have this perspective.  Unfortunately, if you learn at a young age that men control women's bodies, it can be difficult to unlearn.

I have learned to deal with harassment in many different ways -   I have physically stopped the harassment, shouted at the harasser; confronted the harasser calmly.  Sometimes I have made small gestures to reduce or quietly remove myself from the situation, or ignored the harasser or harassment.  At times, I have felt unable to stop the harassment, while there are times when I have been frozen in shock, as the case above demonstrated.

When I have been calm enough to register what is happening, I have felt that I had the upper hand and I can respond in an appropriate way to what is happening.  A friend once told me of a homeless man who had begun masturbating next to her on a subway in NY.  Her mere presence was enough to provoke him to break all social norms.  On the subway, she had started laughing at the man because of how ridiculous the situation was.  I think she was right to laugh.   Just as men do, my friend was able to perceive how her body was being perceived by the homeless man, and laugh at the extreme reaction it had on him.

Once, in a quiet neighborhood in Berkeley, some guys tried to start a conversation with me as I walked down the street -- I was wearing a coat that almost covered my entire face and I thought it was clear that I wasn't going to talk to them (personally, I rarely feel like talking to strangers coming on to me).  At first I didn't respond, but finally I said simply, "I don't feel like talking."  Something about the way they were talking made me feel that it was OK to express my thoughts in such a candid way, and it worked.  They left me alone.

But in general, there is no obvious prescription to harassment.  Is it better to confront the harasser?  Not always -- sometimes they become more violent, more offensive and more abusive.  Is it better to acquiesce, and risk being an unwilling accomplice?  Will they do it again and again and feel that their behavior is fine, or worse, escalate to more extreme levels of harassment? 

I definitely feel that first, you have to protect yourself, physically and emotionally.  Take precautions.  Avoid people and places where you are likely to be harassed.  The frustration is that these are short-term solutions.  They don't change the status quo.  Changing the long-term situation is to change the culture, and it takes something different than mere precaution.

What all women should do is to educate themselves, their brothers, fathers, and male friends about how women feel when they're sexually harassed.  Also, let men and women know that each person should have the right to move and progress in the world.

- Elizabeth Alonso-Hallifax